The Three P's of Pregnancy

1) Puking - My morning sickness didn't kick in until about a week after I found out I was pregnant, and then the phrase "Release the Kraken!" comes to mind. In all honesty, I consider myself lucky when it comes to the morning sickness (hah, remind me of this when my head is in the toilet). Anyways, my morning sickness has stuck true to its name and has only been an issue in the morning. It goes a little something like this:
-Eat breakfast
-Run to bathroom
-Puke my guts up
-Carry on with my day

I did get a prescription for Diclectin, which has helped a LOT. I've only had a couple mornings since starting the Diclectin where it didn't work. Stomach bile is not your throat or mouth's friend.

2) Pooping - Y'know how in some guys' heads, girls just don't poop?! Well, I don't. Listen, it's about as glamorous as the vomiting I previously mentioned. I just want to eat prunes all day and pray to the pooping god that I poop. I miss pooping.

Being pregnant, having morning sickness, and no longer being able to poop has made me realize one major thing: I was very stupid to choose a house design that did NOT include two bathrooms.

Unlike myself, my darling husband's bowels function unbelievably well and on a very precise schedule. It's very likely that if I get to the bathroom before him in the morning, he will kick me out mid teeth brushing so that he can also "release the Kraken". Sometimes while I am brushing my teeth, I trigger my gag reflex and HAVE TO PUKE IMMEDIATELY. This happened recently, and at 5:30 AM I had to rush out the front door and projectile vomit off the front step because Jordan was mid poop and there was no going back.

Don't worry, neighbors! Just experiencing morning sickness and not recovering from drinking myself into oblivion.

**Note to self - any future home will have an additional bathroom.

3) Pain - I constantly have aches and pains. My back hurts, my head hurts, my legs hurt, etc. Now, normally I'd dope myself up on some muscle relaxers and triple extra strength Advil, but these things will cause your baby to grow an extra head or seven legs, or something like that. While that sounds great if I wanted to sell my child to the circus (or to the gypsies, as my mother so often threatened) I think I'll just stick to complaining about it instead.

Now, if I could just convince Jordan to pay for me to get a massage, all would be right with the world. Actually, I know his PIN number and have access to his credit and debit cards...I think I'll be okay.

Where is the glow?

Since I announced my pregnancy, many people have told me that they are looking forward to the stories I will have about both being pregnant and having a child. If there's something I can do, it's be completely and unabashedly honest. I don't do embarrassment (okay, that's a lie, but I try to pretend to play it cool), and I don't mind "oversharing".

So prepare yourselves for an uncensored look into what it's really like to be pregnant.

First and foremost, I was promised a glow.

As of today I am 11 weeks pregnant, and this glow is non existent.

Unless you count that haze that surrounds me because of the increase in gas I pass. If that's the case, then WOW! What a glow. Jordan has started to refer to our bedroom as a "gas chamber".

Oh! Did I mention that I now have the skin of a prepubescent boy? I was lucky enough as a teenager to make it through junior high and high school with nary a blemish. Pregnancy is now doing its job to ensure I know exactly what it feels like. Did you know I can create both the little dipper AND the big dipper by just connecting the dots on my face? It's like a permanent astronomy lesson.

Okay, I think you've been grossed out enough for one day! On one hand, I hope to be able to provide you with more entertainment as I get fatter and fatter. On the other hand, I am so over this crap already and can someone just hand me a baby that didn't have to force its way out of an area that nothing of that size should be forced out of?