These classes have made me realize the following:
1) I don't want to push a baby out of anywhere, least of all there.
2) I don't like to watch other women push babies out.
3) I hate people. Okay, to be fair, I realized that a long time ago.
I made Jordan come with me for the first class. I'm sure you can all guess how that went down. First and foremost, he was not allowed to speak. He's very good at embarrassing me. I didn't even let him introduce himself. When the public health nurse asked if he had anything to add to our introduction I gave, I promptly answered, "No". End of story.
After we left the class, his first words were, "I don't know why the fuck I had to go to that."
Ah, ever the supportive partner.
Anyways, the second prenatal class just confirmed that I eat like shit which explains why the cellulite I have on my ass and thighs is now known as celluheavy.
The third class was where we learned about things like dilation, effacing, and general horror. It's where I realized watching someone else give birth is probably about as awful as giving birth yourself, and also where my hatred of people in general really shone through.
"We're going to watch a video of a woman giving birth," says the RN. Oh, great. I almost wish Jordan was with me - it would have been fun to watch him faint. He's prone to that.
"You can turn your head if you want."
Uh, it's like a car accident. You can't turn away once it starts even though the whole time you're watching you wish someone would pull your eyes out of your head. Forever ingrained in my brain. For eternity. Bless all those OB/GYNs out there who do this shit for a living. I feel like a lot of therapy is involved.
There was a woman in the class who was the support person for another preggo. Claims she is a doula. I say she is a know-it-all, annoying-as-hell, interrupting mouth piece.
I go to these prenatal classes to somewhat prepare myself for the impending doom of birth. I want to listen to the public health nurse who has been a nurse for 20 years. I feel like she knows her shit. If she doesn't, she's been faking it like a pro for all these years and that works for me, too. The doula, though, felt it completely necessary to put her two cents in whenever the nurse would say anything. No, bitch. I didn't come here to listen to your hippy dippy do relaxation methods. I came to hear about the drugs the doctor will give me (GIVE ME ALL OF THEM) when I am screaming in agony while threatening to rip off the very appendage Jordan used to put me in this situation.
So shut up.
Long story short, I'm really hoping for some major scientific and medical breakthroughs in the next 10 weeks that allows for this baby to just magically appear outside of my body. Better yet, make it so that Jordan gives birth.
K thx bye.
No comments:
Post a Comment