#momlife

I'm back.

It's been four long months and I bet you missed me. In fact, I'm sure of it.

Today's entry is brought to you by an obscene amount of coffee and a bag of salt & vinegar chips. It's the late night snack of champions...or moms who give literally zero fucks about anything.

In case you missed it, Weston John Richard Gorrill made his world debut on September 2, 2015 at 12:01 PM. Weighing in at a whopping 8 lbs 5 oz, this kid was nine days early. I believe it was because he could already tell how awesome I was going to be as a mother and decided he needed to meet me ASAP. Wise choice, little man. I am quite wonderful if I do say so myself (which I do).

Life has been quite hectic since his arrival, but let me see if I can break it down for you.

First and foremost, labour is as awful as they say it is. I unintentionally had a natural childbirth. I don't recommend it. I advise that you avoid it all costs. You should just sew your vagina shut right now. It would be 100% less painful. I know. I had stitches. In my vagina. Did you read that? I said in my vagina. Stitches.

I had an epidural, but I'm one of those lucky ladies who it didn't work for. That means I felt every contraction and every god awful tear (yes, I said TEAR) as I brought Kreature into the world. I will remind him of this every day of his life.

I didn't poop on the delivery table though. I at least have a tiny shred of my dignity left.

Anyways, I did live through it (though at times I wanted to die), and here I am now. A mother of literally the best looking baby on the planet. Don't even pretend like your kid compares. I mean, have you seen my child's hair? It's luscious. It's gorgeous. He's obviously my child.

Although he is ridiculously good looking, he is a bit of a shit sometimes. I'll give him credit where it's due - he has slept anywhere from 6.5 - 8.5 hours straight at night for the last week, but prior to that it was hell. Up between 2 - 5,000,000 times per night and a minimum of an hour each time. He will only sleep if swaddled, and when we first brought him home the only way I could get any sleep was if I propped myself up on pillows and he slept on my chest. Jordan was convinced I was going to suffocate him, but I am happy to report there were no casualties. We still co-sleep in the early morning and honestly, it keeps my sanity so I'm just gonna keep doing what I'm doing and piss on everyone's opinion about it. Seriously.

Having a child has also made me realize how stupid some (most) people are. The things they say, the things they do...all ridiculously stupid.

"Nap while baby naps."
No. I won't. Because there is still laundry to do, a house to clean, meals to cook, etc. Who are these fucking people who nap while their babies nap. Do you have live in help? Shut up.

"Is he a good baby?"
What does that even mean? He eats, poops, cries, sleeps, and then we repeat it all again. Do you mean good in the sense that he isn't defective? We already talked about this - my child is the best looking baby on the planet. There is nothing "defective" about him. Do you mean good in the sense that he is well behaved? Babies don't know how to behave. They just eat, poop, cry, and sleep. Ask me if he's a good teenager and maybe you'll get a better answer. Shut up in the meantime.

"Do you breastfeed or bottle feed?"
Well, considering the fact that he's currently attached to my boob, I feel like that one answers itself. Why does it matter, though? As long as I'm not feeding him alcohol or dirt, it doesn't. Shut up.

And the things people DO? A stranger tried to stick her finger in Weston's mouth. I wish I was even a tiny bit joking. A FINGER. In his MOUTH. WHAT?! I wish he had teeth. I wish he tried to bite her. I should have bit her. I will bite the next person who attempts this. You have been warned.

To sum it all up, people are ridiculous but I have a beautiful baby. He is perfect, even when he shits in my bed (or vomits, or pees, or all three at the same time). I did good. Minor props to my baby daddy. He did okay.